Sweet love, and the agony of pondering...
Who would disagree that loving someone who gets along with you well does not feel good? I would definitely enjoy, and even appreciate the relationship with someone who is a great match to me.
It was around 3 years ago from now, when I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. We had good times together, but she had to graduate, and I had to finish my bachelor's degree. She went back to her home country, which departed us from each other. I was heart-broken, thinking about all sorts of things that came into my mind. It was truly despairing, and over the summer vacation, I hardly made the choice to focus on my studying, and 'studying' only.
Ironically, then I met this girl (to be honest, I sometimes still think about her!) in a class I took in the Fall semester. I just wanted to make some new friends in the new class, and I came across with this girl. She wasn't special; actually, she was really banal. We studied together in the beginning. While taking breaks during our study, we talked about things, which led to sharing common interests. It turned out that we shared a lot in common regarding what we like, and as a consequence, we became very close, as if we have known each other for a long time.
Around the 3rd midterm period, we were staying together for most of the day together, and anyone would have believed that we were in a relationship. I actually liked her quite much, and even though she didn't tell me so, I felt that she had interest in me too. It was this situation where things get stuck, and doesn't have any progress 'relationship-wise'.
But there was this 'small' problem. She was already in a relationship. It was a long distance relationship, and her relationship with her boy friend was not going too well. It's a long distance relationship, and I easily expected those problems, since I was a victim of this tragic incident before myself.
I knew she would accept if I asked her to start a new relationship with me. She would hesitate, of course, but I just had this confidence based on the past 2.5 months that I have spent with her. And now, my side of the story begins.
'What are you hesitating for? She's one of the girls that you will never find so easily. You know how hard it is to find a girl who fits you so well regarding interests!'
This is what I said to myself repetitively. It was right there. Right in front of me.
....to tell the result first, I told her my deepest pondering. Although I really liked her, as a girl, I simply couldn't ask her to be in a relationship with me just because of the fact that she was already in this 'already fading' relationship. I knew these types of opportunities don't come often during my life time. I can feel that with all my active senses. However, I had things that I believed in also. One of the few things I believe in, and trying to keep it for my life is to 'not prey on people's weakness for my own benefit.' I would rather be in this mental suffering than to take advantage of her situation, making her feel guilty. At least that's what I thought back then, as far as I remember.
Reasons of the pondering, and the dilemma: Being ethical, or being opportunistic!
I believe many have heard the term, 'Carpe Diem!'. Seize the day, I believe it is meant to express the importance of how you think about your situation. Enjoying your moment is truly important, but it can't be achieved without the mindset of embracing one's current situation.
Enjoying is one of the most primal basic desire that a human being has. No one wants suffering. Except those ascetics who train for the 'inner peace', most people would prefer the enjoyment.
Now here is the dilemma: Why do I have to be so loyal to my beliefs? Why can't I just enjoy the situation, and take advantage of her situation for my own good?
To be honest, I still don't know the reason. How I think about it is that I am a person like that.
What I think about the reasons to decline the 'opportunistic chance', instead of taking it and enjoying it, is related to the deeper part of the human mind, which we people call Ethics. Although it can be divided into numerous reasons, I believe most of the reason is included in this big category called ethics. For example, my reason to tell her that I can't be in a relationship with her because of my stupid personal belief is included in this big category called 'being ethical'.
One of the reasons that the professor gave as an example, "good things come out to those who wait." can be interpreted as a concept of compensation for a better good (which is not even clear if one will get a better good or not). However, I think it also has this underlying concept of being 'good' by keeping the virtue of waiting patiently. Doing the things that what people think is right makes the process look much more charming than what it actually is, regardless of the consequence. One might even get part of the satisfaction by thinking 'I did the right thing. I am proud of myself.' even thought the result is not as good as expected.
To be honest, I regret about telling her everything so frankly. I still think about 'what if I didn't tell her what I truly think, and what if I actually got into a relationship with her?' However, if a same situation comes to me again, I believe I will just hesitate and ponder again, just like before, and come up with the same, stupid decision again.
You are the first student to write about opportunism or not with a potential girlfriend. It is a little harder for me to respond here, just for that reason, but I will try to say something of interest.
ReplyDeleteFirst is the question of whether you've had other Platonic friendships with girls while in college. Related to this is whether you hang out in a larger group of people who all know each other. In a larger group which is itself co-ed, there are bound to be these sort of Platonic friendships. It may be less likely to happen if people otherwise spend more time alone.
Then there is that sometimes Platonic friendships become more intense and become love relationships. There is a schmaltzy movie from 25 years ago, When Harry Met Sally, that pursues this theme.
Ultimately, trying to tie this back to our class, is how you expected it to play out had you taken the other path. Would she have had an ugly seen with her boyfriend that she would not have had otherwise? If that's true, then this would seem like opportunism foregone. However, if the ugly scene with boyfriend would happen no matter what, then an economist would treat it as a sunk cost and it shouldn't then impact the choice. If this latter case is write, then maybe what you did was because you wanted to prevent the relationship from escalating further.
Please don't take this as an analysis of your love interests, which normally should not be cast into economic terms. But that is what I tried to do in this comment.
Thank you for your comment professor. I certainly feel that these types of things shouldn't be the type of the things that calculates the 'value', as preferred in the studies of economics. However, I do enjoy thinking about 'what if..', and trying to give a valid reason for my actions, past or present. So please do not worry that I would misinterpret your comment as interfering my love interests.
ReplyDeleteBack to the question, of course I did have platonic relationships with other girls during my college years. However, I prefer not to call it a 'relationship' , since I do not believe in the notion 'a boy and a girl can be pure friends'. The situation, as I have mentioned, was getting pretty awkward as time went by without making clear of how we are going to act relationship-wise. Of course, I could have dragged it without mentioning anything, but I thought it was a great excuse to her if I did not make myself clear relationship-wise. One of the possible things she might have thought was that I was just playing around with her, when I do not want to really get in a relationship with her. Even though there was an option to just remain until everything was cleanly solved, I really didn't want her to misinterpret me while I don't make myself clear.
About the next question, the expectation was actually unclear when I made the decision. If it was clear, I would have decided more easily, without hesitation and thoughts about how I should really behave. One of the characteristics I believe that mankind shows is that we fear the state of uncertainty. Based on my decision, I guess even though I did not know the exact outcomes, I might have thought of it as she would have been making progress with her boyfriend if she waited a bit longer. Well..... It is really hard to make it fit in the context with our class only in this aspect, but one thing for sure is that I really wanted the relationship to progress.
Thinking about it now, I think she would have had the ugly scene anyways with her boyfriend, and I should have treated it as a sunk cost. However, I was not that much rational back then.
This comment makes me really think about the relationship between the economical thoughts and the things that can't be translated into 'value', such as emotion or ethics. Even though that we acknowledge the fact that some things are not to be compared with so-called 'values', we nevertheless are subject to some of the painful situations where we have to make a decision anyways. There won't be any correct answers that are exact, but I think I should ponder more about how things should be decided within such situations, even though it is a little bit straying off the course.